I wasn't expecting that

*Should have been published in January 2016, it works well as a halfway into the year post. And I can gladly report that things have continued to move in a wondrous direction :D

It's been over a year since I made a move!
A year since I re-defined myself, my life.

And do you know what's wonderful!? I haven't regretted that change. Not once. Not even slightly.

I left a job which had been a struggle for over a year, the last few months invaluable and very nearly intolerable; and began the slow disentanglement from tenacious depths of self disbelief - by pushing myself in, towards my passion.
Dance.

There are many people who viewed/view my passion as bizarre, unsustainable. Some people gave me that look. But believe me, my own self-judgement and fear was louder than all those bemused eyes and questions.

Could I do this????
(What if... it goes wrong, what if... I'm not good enough, I'm supposed to have my s**t together by now, what about money, can I cope with moving back in with my parents, can they cope!?).

And I have been so blessed, so staggeringly, beautifully, wonderfully, supremely, lovingly, creatively and endlessly blessed that I'm embarrassed to consider how little faith I had.
If you had told me before I started following my passion of all that I would achieve, enjoy and learn in a couple of hundred days...I wouldn't have believed you, I would have been rendered speechless (and then, I would have been too overwhelmed by anticipatory expectation to take even one step forward....so I'm glad you didn't!).

It has been incredible.
So, what have I been up to!? --- I've considered that it might be easier to write about what I haven't been up to; but then I attempted to wrap my brain around all those possibilities, and found my perception is suitably adjusted...!

Since November 2014 I have been a 'locum OT' (as I'm an Occupational Therapist (OT) by educational background). If you're uncertain about what OT is: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Occupational_therapy.
As a locum I'm employed through an agency (contractor) which means that I have a ton of flexibility in who I work for, how many days I work, and how long I stay in a role.
I've worked for three different employers since I started part-time locum work, in neurological specialties: epilepsy, stroke and long-term condition management. I've also managed a five month break from OT work in between!

Throughout this entire year I have been training, learning and performing with Stopgap Dance Company. Looking up the details of OT was optional....this is a requirement(!): http://stopgapdance.com.
If you're already familiar with dance I highly recommend a short blog series written by Stopgap's artistic director:
http://stopgapdance.com/blog/artistic-identity-part-1--by-lucy-bennett
(and I promise it's not only because I feature in part 2...)

I do not have my s**t together; I am not perfect, fears and anxieties stubbornly cling, I don't trust myself as I should, I don't trust the divine and those around me as I should. I get it wrong.
But I have sooooooooooo (x 100) many things to celebrate, congratulate, be thankful, joyful and happy for. This has been a landmark year; I have grown immeasurably, encountered challenge and navigated new paths. I am not the same, those around me are not the same.
And (helped superbly by a recent 2 week getaway from life!) I am continually choosing inspiration, invigoration, activity and happiness.

Here, my friends, is my toast to the New Year:
To continued abundance
To networking
To immeasurable growth
To the work involved in embedding learning and experience 
To the daily grind of life
To the moments when I want to scream and believe the worst
To the incomparable joy of friendships and connection
To the joy in knowing openness toward the possibilities of love
To learning how to teach
To freelancing
To CONFIDENCE
To moving out of the family home, again.
To figuring my life out, one moment at a time.

To, single men

Dear Single Man,
I completely understood, when, I developed feelings for you off the back of a very well established friendship, that my open-ended query (revealing a one sided interest) caused some awkwardness. Thank you for your grace.

Dear Single Man
I sort of understood, when things got awkward following a frank conversation, that you decided the friendship no longer merited your time ...

I understand that, in these two situations (and others) I have exhibited moments of foolishness, misguided judgements.

What I do not understand is:
Why, on an internet dating website, after getting bored of really long and in-depth email conversation and figuring it would be much better to actually meet and decide if we are attracted to one another...
WHY
OH WHY

Is it (apparently) not OK for me to be the one to ask the question 'Shall we meet for coffee?'

I am not asking for a relationship,but a chance to meet and chat.
I am not organising anything...I am not negating your opportunity to sweep me off my feet and take me on an amazing first date (if you might so desire to..), I am asking a question.

This is the 21st century, I shouldn't need to remind you that a woman is your equal in a relationship.

What is the problem???
(Disclaimer: if anyone says 'timing' or 'not the right guy'....they can expect a laptop to be thrown at their head).


This is a far deeper issue than my personal love life (or lack of...)

Rant over.

Poetry 101

At the beginning of this year I re-discovered a passion, an old flame....poetry.

I wrote a lot as a teenager; thoughts, prayers, words...I never thought much of the tumble of words that formed most days - just let myself process and push through the pen to find out what I was really thinking. Some of that can be seen on an old, old blog - most of it is an embarrassing mush of day to day reporting though!

However, as I read through some of my old notebooks, discovered spoken word/poetry slam material on YouTube and attended my first open mic nights in Oxford I realised: I write poetry!

And on New Years Eve, something came back to life - don't know why - hadn't planned it, wasn't expecting it.....found myself re-inspired.

So, in February, I found myself on a small stage, in a small room above the Jericho Tavern - taking a deep breath and performing poetry. Original, borrowed, old and new, to a group of good friends and total strangers.

After this performance I was overwhelmed with the positive feedback and admissions of admiration that I received! Enquiries about further performances and online sharing of writing work followed, and I found myself grinning like a Cheshire cat! 

Since then it's been fairly quiet - I've allowed other areas of life to be a priority - not wrongly so - and haven't followed up with very much!
Writing slowly and quietly - as time and my imagination allow.

Today though, is a day where I try out again.
I'm sharing two new(ish!) poems - and will go on to post a variety of old and new poems for my own enjoyment -- and hopefully yours too. 

Reading poems will never capture the power of performance, but with time constraints as they are at present I'm going to focus on the slow and steady progression of writing vs the heady and consuming task of performing; in good time that will surely change :)

Apology
"Sss" the syllables hang on my lips
As my knee jerk reaction surfaces again
Lips quickly chewed, cheeks shine - a rosy hue.

A word that should be polite
But in this case it's simply not

Sorry.
An apologetic reflex of the female tech savvy generation
Laid bare for us in a crude compilation of missed steps and uncertain facts.
We are making the rods that breaks our backs.

Friend or foe? I simply don't know.
But I do know when I've got it wrong.
Sorry!

Alone
When I am alone
Do I hear the ache of loneliness? or the silence of solitude?
Do I appreciate the quiet? or fill it with mindless tunes?
Do I embrace the middle of my cosy, comforting bed? or do I crave the embrace of arms unknown?
They say the grass is greener on the other side
But I know that side will always be better, I think, 
I know,
I think

My spinster soul would have me believe that things will always be this way.
Robbing me of appreciation, appealing to self-pity and struggle.
To persuade me that this moment and space is all encompassing; all that there is.
When one look to this world around me will tell me that's not true.

And so, 
When I am alone; I will breathe - deeply
Listen closely, sense keenly
To the things that the stretching, cocooning tendrils of solitude have to show me.
I will wiggle and snuggle --- and dig myself deep into the vessels of my own soul and heart.
So that, 
When the time for companionship and ceaseless noise comes to be
My knowledge of self will not allude me.
But flow through,
outworking from this past.

Living life to the full?

Tonight I was planning to start, write and complete a job application for what is pretty much my perfect job. 

It has got to 1AM in the morning and I have realised I have to concede. 

I have left it too late

I have missed this opportunity

It is not realistic for me to complete this task

But I have to make a change

I have to document this dare

That I will challenge myself

I will stop living in the shadow of my expectations

I will make steps towards my dreams. 

Not that I fully know what those dreams are

But I know that things right now are not how I want them; not that they're bad...I hope you can get what I mean

And I will work to change that. 

Even if it's not managing to write an entire job application and CV in one night(!)

And so I'm publishing this - hoping that not too many work ppl will see this

And that my sleep deprivation and lack of proof reading don't stand out too badly :P

I am going to dream, pray, dance, surrender, learn to be myself.

Its going to keep me on my toes, I'm going to keep myself guessing 

And I'm not going to care about what other people think

Jesus.

I think that 

If Jesus lived today He would go places that religious people would frown upon. He would have best friends in hovels, drug dens and gangs. He would travel simply, live plainly; he would not be anything special to look at. His presence would still draw people, divide opinion and flummox the self-important leaders among us. 
His love would still cross social and cultural divide, heal and touch many who are ignored, and everyone who believes. He would have things to say to those who believe which would be difficult to hear and provide restoration for thousands irrespective of background.

He would still die to save the world and His sacrifice would carry shockwaves throughout the world. Jesus' life would look different slightly different but his character and mission would not, and have not changed.

That same love, grace and compassion lives in me; lives in Christians through the continuing work of the Holy Spirit. A love which stirs, divides, attracts others and calls us into places we would otherwise never consider going to do things that we feel are beyond us.

 The challenge is to show this love, to live this love. Fully, powerfully, simply - forsaking selfish desires and pushing forward, striving to love and live in God's purposes for our lives daily, rather than our own.

On the flipside

This is a continuation of 'Numb' - a post about the lesson that was impressed on my heart over 2008(ish): 
The lesson I thought I'd learnt: 
Being open to pain and its consequence, whilst being counter-cultural; allows me to process an experience. Rather than pushing everything below the surface allow a progression to a deeper level of processing - in order to connect with, and support others as they travel through life's struggle.

From that lesson I sought to build the aspect of my nature/personality which strives to meet people's needs. To try and get my head around where a person is at; roll my sleeves up and get stuck in to help them wherever they need help.

Nothing wrong with that, right? Very thoughtful and considerate things to be aiming for...

But as is sung in the bridge of Linkin Park's 'Numb':

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

And this is exactly where I ended up.

A couple of years down from my 'lesson learnt' and revelation revealed, in unforeseen circumstances.

I put myself in the untenable position of being the 'Kat'll fix it' to any problem I might encounter! I didn't start preaching to my friends or claiming higher wisdom, 

I did however, build an expectation in my mind, of what I would be able to do in a difficult situation.

...that carefully timed interactions, cleverly worded questions, a healthy dose of prayer, lovingly guided wisdom and a side dish of hugs and friendly smiles would cut to the root of a problem and, without an undue amount of distress provide an all-smiling, happy solution.

How wrong can one person be??

As it turns out...

Very.

And what was my reaction when it became apparent that my meticulous game plan was not cutting the mustard? Admit defeat? Ask for help? Get perspective? Well that would make this post boring huh!?

I mean, I attempted a few of the above suggestions...but in reality I began searching in myself for where I had gone wrong, what I could do better, how I could re-word questions and change thought patterns.

In short, got myself stressed out

Which was not helpful to myself or to those around me in the situation. To say the least.

It became clear that the situation was not solely my responsibility
(although no one had ever said that it was),

That my words and questions were not going to suffice
(although no had else had stipulated that they would)

And that there was not necessarily an all-smiling, happy solution
(because anyone who has actually lived in this world can tell you that!!)

And so I ended up feeling like a failure; out of control and unsure of what on earth I should do next; because I still felt that if I got involved 'enough', supported someone 'enough' and kept pushing I would be able to break through.

The truth, the hard earned truth, is that I am not a one-woman solution.

There are situations where, no matter what you do, say or otherwise attempt;
there will be unknown influences, unmeasured quantities and attitudes that cannot be countered or dealt with in the way which you would like.

And in that sense I came full circle in realising that there had always been someone to lift my burdens to,  someone who is able beyond anything I can ask or imagine to provide a solution when it seems that there isn't one.

And even when, in my timing, it seems all wrong. I can be confident that His timing will be better.

It has been a hard road of healing to change thinking patterns, perspective..
blame and anger cycles into peace and forgiveness.

Internally reflecting on how I deal with challenging situations that come my way and acknowledging where I intrinsically place way too much expectation on myself to meet others needs - above the call of what is necessary, and indeed healthy for me to.

On the flipside of allowing yourself to feel all kinds of pain in order to deal with pain and help others in their times of trouble.

There is the need to recognise where your own expectations and pride to help in a situation are going to be more of a hindrance than a help and being able to reach out in peace and trust to the mighty burden carrier and actually let Him take it on for you.

Numb

This is a post which has been a while in the making; the summary of a thought stream which has pervaded a good part of my life, a lesson which God is slowly teaching this stubborn, slow heart.

It all starts with a song, by Linkin Park.

A song, which, when I first heard it at approx age 14 I couldn't get out of my head; a song which resonated within my soul.

The lyrics go a little something like this:

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Pretty standard teenage angst stuff really. The questions of who you are, who your expected to be and the pressures of the world which begin to press in on you.

Then, this song took on its own life within mine.

Aged 18 I went to a young leaders conference with around 100 odd others. We were studying the book of Nehemiah, worshiping and hanging out with each other.

During the conference God started revealing more and more to me, preparing me for my experiences in SA. I was torn up that I didn't have more time to spend at my home church and wished I had done some things differently.

I felt God asking me to leave it with Him, because the issues were bigger than me - and the solutions - well they were even bigger

Where I had been agonising and confused - should I bury all that I felt? or what? God gave me peace in that area, I felt able to leave all my intense emotions at His feet.

That was brilliant - I rejoiced that I was not to bear my regrets and burdens alone - that I didn't have to block things out or push them down; I had a friend who was alongside me; helping me shoulder the load.

But this was just the start.

When I was in SA I found out that a childhood friend of mine, who I hadn't seen for quite sometime had passed away very unexpectedly.
That day I was a completely different person to anyone that I or my teammates had seen before, I wanted to shut down and stop myself feeling as acutely as I was - to feel numb as I had done before with family conflict, illness, bad news etc.

However a lovely friend of mine had a word for me,

that revolved around the song 'Numb'

Having the song relayed to me in this way (and God illustrating His willingness to engage in my world) really made me sit up and listen.

So I reluctantly let myself feel the pain, and I had a hard time dealing with it - but it made me stronger - and I believe that by facing things head-on there is less for us and God to try and sort out later on down the line.

I am continually asked to be open and feel pain. Physical, spiritual, emotional, mental pain.

Some people see being in pain; feeling sad, acknowledging the gravity of the situation, facing life head-on and dealing with the fallout is not something to be done, let alone admired.

Us Brits, especially, would much rather keep tight-lipped, bury our heads in the sand and let the situation stay: away, unconsidered and not deal with it.

As I learnt when I first studied Nehemiah, Daniel, David and many other great biblical leaders - both from eras past and present. I have noticed a willingness to remain emotionally open, no matter how much it hurts.

To let the tears roll, to cry out, to beat their chests and ask 'Why?'
It makes us human.

"We are only alive to the degree that we can let ourselves be moved." -Lewis Hyde

As soon as we seek only to bottle it up vulnerability and compassion are lost.
You are so consumed in preserving your safe house where nothing is wrong, nothing needs dealing with that you build up the walls which will stop you from reaching out to others, reaching out to God.

To be continued