Numb

This is a post which has been a while in the making; the summary of a thought stream which has pervaded a good part of my life, a lesson which God is slowly teaching this stubborn, slow heart.

It all starts with a song, by Linkin Park.

A song, which, when I first heard it at approx age 14 I couldn't get out of my head; a song which resonated within my soul.

The lyrics go a little something like this:

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Pretty standard teenage angst stuff really. The questions of who you are, who your expected to be and the pressures of the world which begin to press in on you.

Then, this song took on its own life within mine.

Aged 18 I went to a young leaders conference with around 100 odd others. We were studying the book of Nehemiah, worshiping and hanging out with each other.

During the conference God started revealing more and more to me, preparing me for my experiences in SA. I was torn up that I didn't have more time to spend at my home church and wished I had done some things differently.

I felt God asking me to leave it with Him, because the issues were bigger than me - and the solutions - well they were even bigger

Where I had been agonising and confused - should I bury all that I felt? or what? God gave me peace in that area, I felt able to leave all my intense emotions at His feet.

That was brilliant - I rejoiced that I was not to bear my regrets and burdens alone - that I didn't have to block things out or push them down; I had a friend who was alongside me; helping me shoulder the load.

But this was just the start.

When I was in SA I found out that a childhood friend of mine, who I hadn't seen for quite sometime had passed away very unexpectedly.
That day I was a completely different person to anyone that I or my teammates had seen before, I wanted to shut down and stop myself feeling as acutely as I was - to feel numb as I had done before with family conflict, illness, bad news etc.

However a lovely friend of mine had a word for me,

that revolved around the song 'Numb'

Having the song relayed to me in this way (and God illustrating His willingness to engage in my world) really made me sit up and listen.

So I reluctantly let myself feel the pain, and I had a hard time dealing with it - but it made me stronger - and I believe that by facing things head-on there is less for us and God to try and sort out later on down the line.

I am continually asked to be open and feel pain. Physical, spiritual, emotional, mental pain.

Some people see being in pain; feeling sad, acknowledging the gravity of the situation, facing life head-on and dealing with the fallout is not something to be done, let alone admired.

Us Brits, especially, would much rather keep tight-lipped, bury our heads in the sand and let the situation stay: away, unconsidered and not deal with it.

As I learnt when I first studied Nehemiah, Daniel, David and many other great biblical leaders - both from eras past and present. I have noticed a willingness to remain emotionally open, no matter how much it hurts.

To let the tears roll, to cry out, to beat their chests and ask 'Why?'
It makes us human.

"We are only alive to the degree that we can let ourselves be moved." -Lewis Hyde

As soon as we seek only to bottle it up vulnerability and compassion are lost.
You are so consumed in preserving your safe house where nothing is wrong, nothing needs dealing with that you build up the walls which will stop you from reaching out to others, reaching out to God.

To be continued