On the flipside

This is a continuation of 'Numb' - a post about the lesson that was impressed on my heart over 2008(ish): 
The lesson I thought I'd learnt: 
Being open to pain and its consequence, whilst being counter-cultural; allows me to process an experience. Rather than pushing everything below the surface allow a progression to a deeper level of processing - in order to connect with, and support others as they travel through life's struggle.

From that lesson I sought to build the aspect of my nature/personality which strives to meet people's needs. To try and get my head around where a person is at; roll my sleeves up and get stuck in to help them wherever they need help.

Nothing wrong with that, right? Very thoughtful and considerate things to be aiming for...

But as is sung in the bridge of Linkin Park's 'Numb':

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

And this is exactly where I ended up.

A couple of years down from my 'lesson learnt' and revelation revealed, in unforeseen circumstances.

I put myself in the untenable position of being the 'Kat'll fix it' to any problem I might encounter! I didn't start preaching to my friends or claiming higher wisdom, 

I did however, build an expectation in my mind, of what I would be able to do in a difficult situation.

...that carefully timed interactions, cleverly worded questions, a healthy dose of prayer, lovingly guided wisdom and a side dish of hugs and friendly smiles would cut to the root of a problem and, without an undue amount of distress provide an all-smiling, happy solution.

How wrong can one person be??

As it turns out...

Very.

And what was my reaction when it became apparent that my meticulous game plan was not cutting the mustard? Admit defeat? Ask for help? Get perspective? Well that would make this post boring huh!?

I mean, I attempted a few of the above suggestions...but in reality I began searching in myself for where I had gone wrong, what I could do better, how I could re-word questions and change thought patterns.

In short, got myself stressed out

Which was not helpful to myself or to those around me in the situation. To say the least.

It became clear that the situation was not solely my responsibility
(although no one had ever said that it was),

That my words and questions were not going to suffice
(although no had else had stipulated that they would)

And that there was not necessarily an all-smiling, happy solution
(because anyone who has actually lived in this world can tell you that!!)

And so I ended up feeling like a failure; out of control and unsure of what on earth I should do next; because I still felt that if I got involved 'enough', supported someone 'enough' and kept pushing I would be able to break through.

The truth, the hard earned truth, is that I am not a one-woman solution.

There are situations where, no matter what you do, say or otherwise attempt;
there will be unknown influences, unmeasured quantities and attitudes that cannot be countered or dealt with in the way which you would like.

And in that sense I came full circle in realising that there had always been someone to lift my burdens to,  someone who is able beyond anything I can ask or imagine to provide a solution when it seems that there isn't one.

And even when, in my timing, it seems all wrong. I can be confident that His timing will be better.

It has been a hard road of healing to change thinking patterns, perspective..
blame and anger cycles into peace and forgiveness.

Internally reflecting on how I deal with challenging situations that come my way and acknowledging where I intrinsically place way too much expectation on myself to meet others needs - above the call of what is necessary, and indeed healthy for me to.

On the flipside of allowing yourself to feel all kinds of pain in order to deal with pain and help others in their times of trouble.

There is the need to recognise where your own expectations and pride to help in a situation are going to be more of a hindrance than a help and being able to reach out in peace and trust to the mighty burden carrier and actually let Him take it on for you.