Let's re-write an ending that fits

So, I've skittering from the old personal post recently because I've not really felt like I've had it in me.
Went one of those more interesting phases of life where nothing fits, the world gets on top of you far too easily and you struggle with yourself.
You continue with all the things that you normally do, apart from maybe one or two...and you pretend like everything is fine - apart from mayb those one or two people that you truly trust with anything..or, more likely, just happen to be in the right place at the right time when you really feel like you're losing it.

So what brought this on?
I don't really know, well I know a coupla things - but it seems like there should have been more elements to my fall in mood really!
In the end it only takes one stumbling block, annoying change or miserable self-deprecating thought to invite a tower of mood-ruining thoughts that you've been stacking up in the bid to bottle up and contain negativity/maintain the running of daily life.

Ultimately, for me, its part of the ongoing aftershock of a life-changing event (SA) that's being somehow expressed through current life events..I could go on for a while as I have indulged in what could possibly be a little too much introspective thought in the past week or so, but won't - for your sanity and mine.

Finally, its the effect of a long term at university in which life has persisted in fits and bursts...not many academic requirements in comparison to last term (although thats all going to change now that I've left my work to the last minute...) and a similar stop-start theme in my social calendar.

I have felt settled through the majority of this term. But now all I have is itchy feet and a disenchanted mindset.

Things have been better in recent days, mostly due to:

• Having friends in Cardiff who were in 'the right place at the right time' and were there to share and pray through negative mindsets and issues
  
  
• Themes running through the different evenings I have attended..hall groups, student group, cu and church youth group (to explore opportunities of leading :D)
  Yes, that's a lot of Christian things going down - but it doesn't feel like there's much else going on at the moment to be honest!
  
  
• Knowing that I can't face going home feeling like this, as it will only marr my time there...and therefore giving myself a stern talking to. (I'll let you know if that one one worked!!)
  
  
• The impending deadlines which I must finally turn my hand to - and get stressed about because I've left the work to two and a bit weeks beforehand, which will therefore distract me.
  
  
• Having the freedom to take time out and journal in order fight through my numerous and disorganised thoughts.
  
  
• Turning up some classic tunes and drowning out my thoughts using whatever crazy self-expression comes to mind!!
  

Now, I'm not gonna pretend that I'm feeling all better - I remain in a battle with a pervasive negative mood that is clinging on for all its worth (and making mornings an especially horrible time...luckily I've not had much human contact during that time in recent weeks).

And I will continue to wrestle with the many different life, love, faith questions that I've been bombarding myself with in recent times. You see reading a book by a Christian who's honestly not afraid to wrestle with issues and being challenged to broaden my own horizons kinda got me thinking!

But I think I'm getting there, baby steps will soon turn to walking which will sometime in the future turn into something resembling 'normal' and maybe even beyond.
Goodness knows all the struggles in life tend to get you to places that you could never have dreamed about getting to without them...I've found those places to be the most rewarding.

Without them I wouldn't be sitting here, in this time and space typing this...SA, Cardiff, the lot.

Finally I will leave you with some words of a good friend who is currently having her own perspective shifted and changed..and who, today, inspired me imensely...

'If I believe in God, and Jesus who died for all I did wrong, I should risk all to see him glorified. The proof is in how I live.

God will judge ‘each person..according to what he has done’ Rev 20.13. What have you done for God?? We believe and as a consequence all our actions should be affected. He will judge you on your actions.
For me the answer was ‘I had done nothing’. I was living comfortably in the knowledge that I believed in Jesus therefore I was saved. Yes that is true. But we are not called just to believe, but to repent- which means to change your entire heart, your entire life, flip 180%.

Go God’s way in everything.

It is hard! The road is narrow. Do you go out of your way to serve him in Everything????
Get rid of all sin; suffer standing up for what you believe in.

How can you be saved just by saying there is an almighty God who sent his son to save and not change every aspect of your life?

I am challenged. You should be to.

God is passionate, he expects the best as a loving parent does, he desires that I seek to be more like him every day.
He wants all of me like a committed husband does, he doesn’t want the leftover bits that I share with everyone, or don’t care about.
He DOES NOT want the bits I have sorted and tidied so everyone thinks I am organised.

He wants the mess, the pain, the hurt. God wants 100% Kat. - I want a God who loves me like this.'